People are inherently resistant to change. With change comes fear of the unknown. This is something we need to remember when going through a transformation of our health and fitness, especially if our spouse / significant other is not doing it with us! It can be a serious cause of conflict and strife. In fact, I write this article because my wife encouraged me to, and we have a rock solid marriage. But the changes in my life over the past year and a half have led to a fair share of challenges in our marriage and it would be wise, looking back, to prepare all of you for those conflicts you will face.
Changing together, as a couple, is obviously the most ideal. If both individuals in a relationship embrace the change, it can be a very rewarding and incredible journey. But if one person is happy with the status quo (like my wife was) and one person wants to change (like I decided to), it will greatly change they dynamics of the relationship. Like my wife says, “When one person in a relationship changes, the relationship changes”. That’s important to remember.
As I decided to end my fat fluffy existence and finally take my health seriously, I didn’t even consider that it might adversely affect my wife. After all, she was always nagging me to eat healthier, to stop drinking pop, to stop eating candy, and to exercise. So what on earth would bother her about me actually doing what she had been asking me to do? Well, I didn’t consider her feelings and the fear of the unknown as I made such a radical shift in my priorities, my time, my schedule, my diet, and my routine. I really did become a different person. Anita will be the first to tell you it was all for the better, and the new me is healthier, loves life more, has more energy for her and the kids, and is passionate to help others … but that’s still a big change that must be handled delicately. I’m not the same husband she had 2 years ago! I would say I’m a better husband, but nonetheless I’m very different. And that doesn’t even take into account the coaching career that has exploded from this opportunity — introducing even more challenges we’ve had to navigate!!
I don’t say these things to discourage anyone who is beginning a lifestyle change or in the middle of a major transformation. By all means keep it up! But don’t assume that your spouse will support you every step of the way. Take their feelings into consideration, and be sure that you understand the emotional stress that they are going through.
My wife sat back and watched me workout during my entire Round 1 transformation. She didn’t start working out until part way through my second round. She was resistant. We had some heated discussions on several occasions about changes that were taking place in our family — from the dinner table choices to eating out, from early morning workout schedules to how involved I was with P90X message boards. From my perspective, I couldn’t understand why she wasn’t thrilled that I was becoming her Superman before her very eyes!! And from her perspective, she didn’t know why I felt a need to completely abandon the man she had loved for years to become someone else.
It got much easier as she embraced the workouts and nutrition during my second round. Instead of a point of conflict, it became a point of mutual encouragement to talk about our workouts, our health, and things we could do to set the right example for our kids. My wife is now almost — almost — as much of a Chalean Extreme junky as I am a P90X junkie! So that makes the exercise and nutrition talks fun now, where I used to dread them because we always fought about it.
However, now our biggest challenge is the coaching. I am passionate about coaching and helping others get results like I did. God has gifted me in this area and blessed me with this platform to do it. And I am so inspired to see others become their best. Anita is too, but she didn’t ask for this. She didn’t ask for her formerly chubby hubby to be the #1 coach in all of Beachbody. She didn’t ask to have her hubby on the P90X infomercial and to be the poster boy for Beachbody. She didn’t ask for a hubby who would be invited on trips around the world with the leadership from Beachbody — granted she’s invited on these amazing trips too, but it’s still a change she didn’t ask for. And as you might imagine, we have some tough discussions about Beachbody coaching and how it affects our family relationships. It’s a huge part of who I am now. I think it’s a GOOD thing, and if asked, Anita would say so too. But that doesn’t mean it all makes things flow smoothly. It doesn’t!
I’m not saying all of this to discourage anyone from making a change. Change (especially when it comes to getting on the right track with our health, fitness, and finances) is a GREAT thing! But I share these insights because those of us initiating the change need to be sensitive to the feelings of the people who are going to be affected by the transformations we go through. Whether it seems rational to us or not ISN’T the point! Helping them feel included, comfortable, and not threatened by our changes is our goal, and it takes a conscious effort.
I don’t have all the answers. But good communication and a commitment to strong relationships with those around you is key.
Keep bringing it gang!
It sucks to say this but I am going through this right about now. And while I do balance my life and my obligations, I am just seen as weird by my SO. Today, it's when it hit me when I completely forgot something that was important to her(I do that all the time, forget things) and she said: "all you ever worry about is fitness, your supplements and your body fat. That really hurt me because in the past she would have said: "OMG, you forgot, do it now." Instead, she used it as an opportunity to partially tell me she's frustrated with my changes. I don't know, I feel a bit discourage, but nothing a good arm pump can't take away.
Thank you for posting this. Luckily, my wife and I began our fitness journey together, so we didn't run into the same problems. I see why you are one of BeachBody's top coaches--you are passionate as well as thoughtful about your life.
Great post coach, I am very blessed that my wife is all in on this journey of transformation. It makes a huge difference in the energy around the home when two are committed to living this lifestyle. Thanks for being authentic and sharing some vulnerability.
Coach Wayne, Thanks for this post. This is tough for me as my fiance will complain that she needs to work out and lose weight but really has no drive to exercise. She tells me I don't need to work out and it really is a point of contention for us and makes me lose motivation. Any suggestions for approaching the subject and maybe helping her get excited about working out and being healthier?
Hey Chris, you can't make somebody change. You just have to set the example. Keep taking care of your health. It may take a while, like it did in my case, but many times when people see that you've found a real, LONG TERM solution to health and fitness, that will win them over. Keep pushing play!
Coach - That was straight from the heart! My respect for you just doubled with the way you expressed yourself. Thank you! Vivek
Thanks for the post coach. I have been going through the same troubles with my wife but things are getting better. Thanks.
thank you coach wayne, your candor is very refreshing. That's what I love about you, you come across as being very real and humble. Disclosing some of your difficulties along your journey allows me to see despite "bumps in the road" I too can achieve this! Thanks again! :-)
@ Randy on that last note I have always thought of Coach Wayne as my/our fitness Sheppard and he is always on the watch for his sheep so to speak, I would also like to say thank you to you Mrs. Antia Wyatt, For your patiance and understanding and sharing one of your most loved posessions Your husband. And I mean that in the kindess way.I can only imagine the effort it takes to run a home with 5 children a bussiness and school things for them and time with Wayne truly a delicate balancing act, But the way i see it and the way you have gotten by behind Wayne Is truly selfless and not always easy. We can't thank you and your wonderful family enough for sharing and caring! Wayne thank you for one of the best posts you have ever put here. You know it's great to make changes in ones life but if you don't have that special someone to share it with the up/downs it's all like striving after the wind, we need each other, the support needs to be from "both sides." Understanding,compassion and lets not forget the communication is # one There is no room for self indulgance, were all in this together in more ways than we know. So i would like to close this with the GOLDEN RULE...."Do unto those as you would have them do unto you!"
So what you're saying is........BRING IT!!! :D Ahhhh women, can;t live without em, can't live without em ;)
Dear Mrs. Coach Wayne, Thanks so much for sharing your husband's time with all of us. He has been an amazing resource and I can't tell you how much I personally appreciate it. I have a wife and two kids and I understand the time commitment involved for Coach Wayne... and by definition, any time used for this site is taking away from you and your children. He does have a gift and he shepards us all.
Change is always constant. It will always be in our lives. It will be how we react to those changes that affect us, and those around us. I am going through big changes in my life right now and my wife is coming along for the ride and changing with me. It hasn't been smooth as Wayne said, but we adapt. We comprmise, react, support, and embrace our changes together, but most improtantly, we do it positively. That's why I value my wife and our marriage so much. This post touched me because, I know that change can be very good. Although it's our natural tendency to run away from resist change at first, we must overcome and grow with it. We have to step out of our comfort zone and venture out and step up to new challenges in life. A great book I read called, "Who Moved My Cheeese" helped me realize that changes happen and our responses to them will either put hold us back or put us ahead of the pack depending on the type of person we are. I'd just like to say that I'm happy for you that you have such an understanding and supportive wife Wayne.
Great Post Poster boy... Im proud to be part of teamripped and #1 beachbody coach out of over 66000. You are the Man! You signaled the truth on your before picture above with your point finger raised up to the heavens.. Keep being a great inspiration.
The answer to these issues is "Moderation" When we do things in moderation we have balance.. Balance in mind, body and spirit.. Without moderation, there is no balance... I know it's easier said than done, but always keep that word in the back of you mind...
Because of the dedication and honesty of articles like this is the reason you are a great coach. thank you for sharing!
Hey Coach- I have a lot of problems with this- I have a wife that’s petite- but slowly gaining- She has always ate like crap. Since I met her 6 years ago I have gained 40lbs… she introduced me to Cheese dip (a block of melted cheese with diced tomatoes) - which she eats all the time! I know eat healthy and regularly do beach body- We fight all the time because I want to just eat my boring chicken with veg and she wants to order pizza-she tells me one meal wont hurt- and I immediately think of your quote about cheat meals “ Shawn t is still supper rip Shawn t, and you are still mister chubby”. I know she is super insecure and wants to have the hot body she once had, but every time I ask her to try and work out with me she says “I’m not the person to work out at home, and I want a gym membership” – only problem is we can’t afford one. And to me a gym membership is a waste in my opinion- I have p90x & insanity- I want her to be on board with me so bad but she just can’t see my point of view- and I guess I can’t see hers.
Wayne, I got what you were saying I was just being facetious : ). The last couple of months I have been doing crossfit and trying it out. My buddy opened his own box and I have been doing the workouts he posts in my home garage gym. They are two different ways of training and I like both of them and won't dog on either one of them. However, without my extensive training with p90x and the one on ones I don't think I would be able to do crossfit! I face the delimma of switching back over to p90x2 when it comes out or continuining on. I think it's been refreshing switching to something else for a while as I love p90x. For me the original P90x helped me look better and build a strong core. I do feel crossfit has made me alot of stronger and not necessarily look better. What can you do? LOL
Coach Wayne, Great post! I went from one day in May of this year attempting to do a workout DVD that my wife uses, to continuing that workout, to changing my eating habits, to using whey protein, to deciding to do P90X, to losing 30 pounds, to becoming a coach, to drinking Shakeology, to making other healthy decisions. This has all been a radical and good change which has impacted my wife and children. Suffice it to say that my experience has been similar to what you describe above. You are absolutely right that "good communication and a commitment to strong relationships with those around you is key." Your coaching has been extremely helpful, and my wife is glad you are my coach. Thank you for all you do!
Hi Coach Wayne, I wanted to thank you for sharing such a personal story with us. Even though my husband and I began this journey together, there has still been some struggles and some arguments. The cost has been difficult for us to cope with, especially since we're buying everything in 2's, though we try to share what we can (bands, weights, etc..). My husband works and I stay at home and because of that, I take care of all the meal planning and grocery shopping. I have gotten quite good at it, but I find myself getting defensive and irritated if he ever comes to the grocery store with me. It's of course over silly things, like him questioning why I won't buy a particular bag of frozen veggies. All I can think is "Why aren't you trusting my decision?". It seems so obvious to ME that those veggies are a poor choice because it's a small bag that's supposed to have 4 servings and that's the only reason why the nutrition information seems good on it. I would only use the bag for 2 servings (seriously small bag) which means all those stats would have to be doubled, therefore making it not nearly as healthy as it first appeared! I apologized to him later that night after I reflected on my behavior and realized I had no reason to get snippy with him about it. He was just being curious and I should be happy about that and make a bigger effort to educate him about things in a calm, patient manner. Then there's the times he get frustrated with me when I'm nagging him out of bed to work out when he's tired and would rather do it after work. He usually just sucks it up and does it right away in the morning, but I can tell he's not always happy about it. We get through it all and at the end of the day we both appreciate the drive and motivation the other brings to the table and we're both very happy to be changing our lives together. You are right on Coach Wayne, you HAVE to consider your spouses feelings and how your behavior, regardless of how "good" it is, may affect them. Put the shoe on the other foot as they say! Thanks for the great post!
Hey Jordan! Welcome back! I haven't heard from you in 6 months. I hope you've been bringing it! You are exactly right, TONY is the official poster boy for P90X. I was simply elaborating on what my wife felt as her unknown husband became a feature in the new P90X infomercial and the coverboy of the Beachbody official website. I'm sorry if I confused you! ;-)
Wayne, Great article! Relationships are crucial and I was curious about how all of these changes would have affected a family like yours - wife, kiddos. My wife's been really wanting to make the switch and I need to make the switch. It's nice to see some of the potential issues that I may have to face and overcome to reach my goals. Side note - I've been clicking your links to join with you as my coach. Been clicking here - http://teambeachbody.com/signup/-/signup/free?referringRepId=59283 - but the page isn't coming up. Can't join under you because if this. Can ya help with that in any way? Thanks!
Hey Chris, thanks man. Yes, that's the link to sign up, and yes, it works fine. I just checked it myself and clicked on what you pasted and it worked. It must be your settings or pop up blockers on your computer.
My girlfriend is great, my family on the other hand... The next time my sister tries to shove a slice of pizza or dessert in my face, saying "come on Terry, you workout so you can eat what you want" I might lose it.
I'll keep my comment short here Wayne because of the conversations we have had. I applaud you posting this. This is a very real subject that is not an easy one to talk about. Thank Anita for pushing for this post. I loved meeting her. Showing our vulnerabilities is tough but can be the most helpful thing we do to help others.
Coach - GREAT post. I'm very lucky in that my boyfriend of ~5 years is very supportive. He chose not to join me on my journey, but has supported me every step of the way...which is absolutely wonderful. Also, he didn't need the transformation. :) My family, on the other hand...not so much. I do not live with them, so maybe they have a harder time understanding my transformation since they do not see me on a daily basis and see how much better I am becoming - physically, mentally, and emotionally. I honestly fear Thanksgiving - when I will see them all next since starting this journey (even before P90X, when I was doing other workout dvds). I'll be at my 30 day mark of P90X when I see them next week (yay me). But I do fear their response. Just something to be aware of and work through...no change is easy! Thanks for being so honest and inspiring, Coach.
I Know why you are the NUMBER 1 Coach in Team Beach Body, b/c you are doing with passion everything and all the readers can perceive in your articles and your videos, thank you for share your knowledge and experiences with us. One again you are THE NUMBER ONE coach.
Wayne, Thanks for the insights. As a Christian, I struggle with much of the same. Hense why I have been on the fence at to whether or not to start coaching. I still struggle as I am creating my website. This big thing for my marriage is the whole body image thing. Sure it's nice to look good but if we are doing it to impress others that is wrong and it's sinful. If we like the fact that others of the opposite sex are attracted to our physique we could be causing someone else to stumble. We need to focus on being healthy and not just "looking good." It's easy to see how this can make a spouse, husband or wife, insecure. Thanks again for the post.
I too share your feelings about how exercise can cause conflicts in a relationship. I've been working out for years, not doing Beachbody products, but my workouts have always been a point of contention in the family. You put it extremely well, "Take their feelings into consideration, and be sure that you understand the emotional stress that they are going through." This has to happen! Oddly enough I've noticed a huge change in my families dynamics in the last month only after I became a part of your teamRIPPED and Beachbody team. I'm following your "Building Mass" routine and for the first time that I can remember I have a plan that maps my fitness AND nutrition goals. Because of this it's putting less strain on my relationship with my wife and kids because I have set routine that minimally effects they're daily life. My wife is even noticing the better choices in meals and is making the switch with me. She's even talked about doing P90X with me, too! Mind you she won't be waking up at 5:30am to do it. Wayne, thank you for this post. It helps remind me of my fitness goal and the relationships that are touched because of it. Keep BRING 'N IT!
"behind every great man lirs a great women" in coach waynes case "behind every RIPPED man lies a RIPPED women"
Coach Wayne, As always, you have given us very honest and sound advice. I am sure everyone who is making changes to improve their bodies will see their lives mirrored at various times by yours, and will reminded about how we are affecting those we love. Thank you for getting so personal about the dynamics of your transformation. This will help others more than you will ever know. Wayne S.
I have experienced the good and the bad when it comes to a spouse handling my changes. On one hand, she has been super supportive, buying the floor mats I use for the living room, helping purchase healthier food choices and meal planning. On the other hand, she has been very resistant to actually taking part in the change, and gets very frustrated, angry, and shuts down when the subject is broached. I know this is something that she needs to come to on her own (like I had to). I continue to try to find creative ways to get her motivated. I have considered purchasing Chalean Extreme for her, but I don't want to do that if she won't do it.
Coach Wayne, GREAT article, as my wife doesn't yet get why I'm doing what I do. We have those "eating out" debates and "what's for dinner". I've lost 20lbs, getting ripped and in the best shape of my life, largely in part thanks to you!! She says at times... "the old you didn't cost so much, (implying the supplements and healthier food costs, BB equipment, etc..), but her & everyone else has noticed my change, which is cool! Again... Can't thank you enough!!